Love And Pain
by Romona-Rain
Summary: This pain was as deep as a knife, and it took everything he had in him to continue- he wished he could leave, but he had to say this, he had to. {One-shot}


**Kay, so this is before sixth year, and like, a few weeks after Sirius died.**

 **Obviously, he isn't in love with Tonks yet, as it is sixth year when she reveals her feelings and he accepts them.**

 **Anyway, hopefully you enjoy this story!**

Remus stood alone in the cemetery, his hands in his pockets and his breathing labored.

The world around him was silent, but the silence was deafening and Remus found himself wanting to scream.

The werewolf sighed, a sound that was far too loud in this far too quiet graveyard.

He began to search for a particular grave, one that he had so much to say too, but so little time.

A cry was building up in his throat as he passed all the graves, the people who had _died_ , just like-

Just like-

He walked around in the suffocating quiet for about ten minutes until he found the headstone he had been looking for: one that read 'Sirius Black; 3 November, 1959- 18 June, 1996; Beloved Marauder and Godfather'.

There was nothing buried, for when Sirius had...passed, he had not left any…. _remains._

Remus stared down at the headstone, finding himself close to tears just looking at it.

He tried to form the words to say everything he desperately wanted to, but his mouth refused to work and he only managed to open his mouth then close it several times.

After quite a bit of fighting himself, Remus was able to speak.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing he said, and those two words seemed to hang in the November air for a few seconds then disappear as quickly as they came.

"I'm so, so sorry. You don't know- you can't even _begin_ to know how _sorry_ I am- I'm so _so_ sorry, really," Remus spoke, running his hands through his hair.

He blinked several times to rid of the tears that threatened to spill before continuing.

"You shouldn't have had to- to _die._ It should have been _me,_ I wish it had been me, because I cannot look after Harry, but you can- you could."

This was not the full truth, but he could not bring himself to say that just yet- not yet.

The cold was getting to Remus, and he tugged his coat tighter around him, shivering despite his attempts not to.

"Harry misses you. _I_ miss you, and I know you know that already. God, Sirius, I wish-" Remus was speaking rather fast now, and he had to take a deep breath before continuing to voice the thoughts he had longed to say for so long now.

"I wish….I wish…." But what did he wish?

He wished many, many things, but none of which could come true, not now.

 _It's too late,_ Remus thought morosely, and a dry sob escaped from his throat.

"I wish that you- that you and I- no, no. I wish that….that it could have been different. That is the thing I wish most."

A gust of wind blew some of the dirt below into his face, and he shook his head instead of brushing it away.

"If things were different, you wouldn't be dead, and James-" he could not continue.

Tears were spilling down his face, the only warmth in a two mile radius.

His tongue was numb, his heart was heavy, and his body cold.

"James….would still be alive, and Lily. Perhaps Peter would be locked away- or better yet, not like _this,_ " Remus choked out.

His voice was echoing loudly in the graveyard, and Remus was only vaguely aware of this.

"Sirius- I…..really, _really_ wish you weren't alive, and God, I'm so _sorry, really,"_ his voice cracked and he could not see the headstone any longer due to his tears blinding him.

Remus couldn't live with this guilt, he had done this, if only he had _known, known_ that Harry was having these visions, and he could have _helped_ and Sirius would not be-

He couldn't say it, think it, not again.

Salt was stinging his eyes and the wind was biting at his cheeks and the cold was nipping his nose- his heart was weighing him down, he could no longer feel his hands, and oh, how Remus hated this, how he hated feeling this way, how he hated life, how he hated himself and _everything._

Remus shook his head, trying to rid himself of his thoughts, which were incredibly loud and deafening and-

 _Oh, Sirius._

And finally, finally, Remus couldn't take this terrible, _terrible_ sadness, this dull _ache_ that would never disappear, not really.

The warming charm, it seemed, was not working very well.

Remus took a shaky breath and wished, not for the first time, that he had brought his wand to the graveyard.

Then again, it wouldn't matter even if he had, for he wasn't able to concentrate and he might accidentally blow up the cemetery.

"I wanted us to be happy," he began, closing his eyes. The steady flow of tears had stopped, and he was finally able to see once more.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and continued, his voice still wobbly and his legs shaking underneath him- but he still talked.

"I didn't want, I didn't mean for, for _this_ to happen- no, _never_...and I'm sorry, honestly, I'm sorry and it hurts so _bad-"_

The tears were gone, but he still cried- he doubled over choking out dry sobs, wishing so desperately happened, and a part of him believed that things would get better- but then he mentally chided himself ( _No, things won't get better because Sirius is dead and James is dead and Lily is dead and-_ ) and immediately dismissed his naive hope.

This pain was as deep as a knife, and it took everything he had in him to continue- he wished he could leave, but he _had to say this_ , he _had to._

"Sirius, we were the perfect team- you, James, and I, and I miss you, I miss you both, and I'm so _sorry,_ so _sorry_ it had to end like this- but please, do me a favor, Sirius," Remus's voice dropped to a whisper.

"Don't leave me alone….stay with me."

The headstone was silent and the words engraved on it taunted Remus- they laughed at him, echoing around in his mind ( _Sirius Black, Beloved, Beloved, Beloved_ ), and once again, he dropped to his knees.

"Please, don't leave me _alone,_ I've already been alone for 12 _years,_ please _, please-_ "

He was begging now, _pleading,_ but there was still no answer- only the sting of sorrow and the bitter taste of being alone.

Remus had to tell him soon- had to tell him soon before he left- but first, first he would have to admit it to himself.

"I...Sirius, I….." But he could not bring himself to say it, say those three words that changed everything.

"I…..I….I have to go," Remus stood up, cursing himself- he was weak, too _weak_ and _scared_ to say it- and he walked unsteadily out of the cemetery, those three words left unsaid, hanging in the air waiting to be spoken:

 _I love you._

 **Yay, I finished! I feel much better writing angsty stuff *smirk* so this was more fun to write than my previous stories (save my recent one).**

 **Hopefully you enjoyed this, because it was fun to write :)**

 **Thanks for reading, and don't forget to review!**

 **~Brynn**


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